Ask Your Mother

a daughter's questionnaire

I wrote this questionnaire for my mother in 2018 and I found it today, on this bittersweet Mother’s Day.

Today is bittersweet because my mother passed into the great beyond a week ago. We were all with her in the last month, and she got to meet and hold her new great grandson. She died surrounded by her loved ones. And at 93, having achieved so much in her life, it felt like a life made complete and a perfect time to depart. She did it like she did everything: expeditiously, in charge, and with grace.

I wrote this questionnaire that I’m sharing with you, because it occurred to me that when it really came down to it, there were things I didn’t know about my mother. Things I wanted to know. But the “Let’s sit down and have tea and talk” approach wasn’t her style. She had things to do. A check list to finish, and she always did. In other words, she was prone to living more tactically than poetically. When she was at the helm, things got done! But I wanted to dig into her heart and see what language and wisdom she could offer, both for me and future generations. I figured, if I gave her something to put on her list, she’d very likely complete the task, and earnestly so. So I wrote a list of probing questions for her to answer. Questions that might elicit a surprise of a response. Not the usuals. I tried to ask questions that would inspire her to share her values and her truth.

Some of her answers make me laugh. And some make me cry. Especially now that she’s not here to offer me answers at all.

May her words touch you in some way. And if you have a mother (or any beloved elder) who is still alive and well enough to answer some of your questions, I strongly recommend coming up with a list and agreeing upon a timeframe for them to offer their answers. Maybe they would want to do it live, and have you record/transcribe their words. Or maybe, like my mother, they’d prefer to write their answers. Either way, come up with a system that will inspire them to deliver! It begins with you. I found that the act of writing my questions was a potent exercise, in and of itself.

Ask yourself, truly: What do I really want to know about my mother?

Feel free to use my questions if they help.

Yours,

Laura

And to the mothers out there…Happy Mother’s Day!

Virgina Aldrich Munson McTier

To read my mother’s full obituary, most of which she of course wrote, click here.

1) What would you like your descendants to know about you?

My whole life I’ve felt secure. I’ve been very lucky. Not everybody has had wonderful parents, and two wonderful marriages.

2) What excites you?

I like the feeling of performing and meeting people’s expectations, whether it was my mother, or my teachers.

3) What is your idea of a perfect day, from any time in your life?

I was twelve and it was my birthday, and my mother and father gave me a watch and a hay ride for my birthday party, and that stands out as one of my most favorite days. In Glenview, IL. A gold watch—with a little black band—made out of a twisted woven sort of material. A HAY RIDE IS SUCH FUN! AND IT WAS A SURPRISE! That was 74 years ago!

4) If you could ask your mother or father one question, what would it be?

I have a genealogical question I would ask them: Who was Seth Aldrich’s father? (Spencer, MA—married Mary Knight (Holly), married in 1804, and had Jefferson, who had William Elliot, who had Hilan Duane, who had Jefferson Elliot, who had me.

5) When they say, “don’t sweat the small stuff,” what specific small stuff should I not sweat?

You should sweat the small stuff. I’m a perfectionist. And I haven’t changed what I want to be perfect in my life.

6) What are some things you spent a lot of time on in your life that in hind-sight weren’t worth it?

Nothing.

7) What is your favorite swear word?

Shistervonboodlebottom

8) What should I look for in a friend?

You want someone you can trust, who is loyal, who loves you, and has your best interests at heart, and who would never want to hurt you, and who cares deeply about you. And there are not many people like that. You’re lucky if you have three friends in your life, who you would do anything for and they’d do anything for you and you’d stop your life for them. They remember my anniversary, and details, and they care.

9) What should people look for in a partner?

Someone who has a belief in God, and who you can trust.

10) What is your advice on marriage?

Marry someone that you can trust. Who you know adores you and you adore them. Who you would do anything for and they would do anything for you. And they would make the effort to make sure it lasts forever, and would never do anything to hurt you. Someone you admire and respect. You have to give all of yourself—you marry someone for better for worse, and you don’t give up.

11) What is your advice on aging?

Try and take care of yourself, exercise, be more flexible, because things don’t go the way you wished as you age.

12) When in your life have you been most happy?

Being married to your father. I loved when he walked through the door. I adored your father. Just to see him and be with him, knowing he loved me, and he’d change his clothes and take the kids, and have dinner, and go outside and garden. I could count on him. I could trust him. He would take care of those topiary trees. He was always working to make sure that things were just perfect. All of our friends hired gardeners and we never did.

13) What is the value of school?

To learn all that you can to help you in life later on. Two examples:

In 7^th grade, Miss Lawrence who was very demanding, and was my English teacher. I felt challenged and supported by her.

There was a woman at Bennett name Miss Cody, and also expected you to do the best you could do. She scared the hell out of me. I wanted to do what she wanted me to do.

14) What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Knowing all that I have to do. I’m a day person. My friends say that I do five times what they do in a day, so I have to get up early to accomplish it all.

15) What is your advice to parents?

Make sure that as parents, you are honest with each other and in good communication. And are a united force.

16) What is your advice on money? Save it or spend it or a little of both?

Be as wise as you can be about how you spend your money, but knowing that you’re not going to live forever, you might as well do what you want and travel. I try not to order the most expensive thing on the menu. Know how much money you have. You don’t want to be in debt. We were never trust fund children, so we had to borrow money. That’s why I started my business so I could make extra money to support us. I might not have started my business if I had more money.

17) What are three places I must see on this planet?

Israel—knowing that Jesus was there

Thailand—so exotic

Africa—looking at all the animals free and in the wild

Nepal—rode elephants to look for tigers

Loved going to Norway and all the Fjords

Alaska—islands

India was too dirty. Liked Agra.

18) What are some words to live by?

Be honest. Do your best. Be all that you can be. Be kind to others.

19) What makes me special?

You’re able to support your family, be everything for your family, and you work so hard and you are amazing and I don’t know anyone who can do all that you do. I don’t know when you sleep.

20) When I am your age, what should I strive for?

To be somebody who people respect, and to have done the best job you knew how to do. Your father used to say that on my gravestone it should read, “At least she tried.”

21) What are your hopes for this planet?

That we never have war. That we have peace. That people will love each other. And we can be environmentally safe.

22) What would you like your legacy to be?

To have people remember me with love. And that I was the keeper of memories. I had a different color photo album for each child. I didn’t put your photos in a shoebox. I tried!

23) When you get to the Pearly Gates, what will you say to God?

I hope I’m worthy to be here.

Mom…I promise: you are! May you rest now, in peace. But something tells me…you still have work to do…

Now Booking the 2026 Haven Retreats in Montana

June 3 – 7 a few spots left

June 24 – 28 a few spots left

September 16 – 20 Now Booking

September 23 – 27 Now Booking

October 14 – 18 Now Booking

I still have rare room on my June 3-7, and June 24-28 Haven Writing Retreats in glorious NW Montana! You don’t have to be a writer to come. Just a word wanderer. And if you are a writer…I have a place for you to finally feel safe…and to move your pen into your writing dreams. Either way, contact me and let’s get on the phone to see if Haven is right for you! Email me: Laura@lauramunson.com